Look, I don’t know who told me that four was an awesome age of unicorns and rainbow puppies, but they were wrong.
Here’s a quick list of phrases I never need to hear again…just off the top of my head:
1) Don’t boss me around.
Okay, one of us is four and the other is thirty and made you. Just take off your damn shoes.
2) I’m in charge.
See above. Also, if you were in charge, you’d be sick with a stomach ache after eating a billion cookies, never sleeping or washing, and sitting in front of the television for your whole life. You should thank me for stepping up and being in charge of your silly ass.
3) I don’t love you anymore.
You’re a liar. You do, too. So stop just trying to be mean, okay? I don’t know what child on Earth ever got what she wanted after proclaiming a lack of love for her parent. Also, if we’re at this point in the tantrum sequence, I can assure you I’m not particularly fond of you either at the moment. But at least I’m adult enough to keep it to myself (by which I mean complain about it to other adults on the internet.)
4) You yelled at me!
Of course I yelled at you! I just told you to pick up that block fifty times in a normal voice. It is not my fault that you can’t hear my normal voice.
5) What did Lilly/Dulce think/do?
This is the question of doom. This question means, I want to cry and I can’t come up with a good reason on my own, so I’m going to find something about my sister that’s different from me to break down over. And don’t try to get out of this, Mom. I will not let this go until I’ve had a good fit.
6) Not until you make me feel better.
Child, it is not my job to make you feel better after you’ve lost your mind of your own accord. Even worse if it’s because you’re not doing something you need to do. This is blackmail. You’re my kid, and I want to make you feel better. I want to give you a hug. But you can’t hold physical affection over me like some kind of currency. Come on, now. Make yourself feel better, then come see me.
7) You’re hurting me!
I can assure you that picking you up and placing you in the time-out space is not mortally wounding you. So be quiet. Unless you want the neighbors to call the people. Enough with the dramatics.
8) What kind go outside?
I don’t know if many other parents deal with this or some variation of it. This is the result of my kids being spoiled beyond belief, I think. I take them outside twice a day, pretty much religiously. And they ask this question when they wake up. And it’s usually because they want to complain about the answer. Screw you people. We can stay the eff home.
9) Who goes first?
Translation: Say anything, anything at all, and I will cry.
10) Only if you ______, I will _______.
Hahahaha. While I applaud your bargaining skills, you can go ahead and sit down now. I will do _____ whenever I want, and you will do ______ whenever I ask you to. End of story.