I wistfully look at the life of single and childless people all of the time, as you well know by now. The grass, as they say, is always greener. It’s not just on television, through commercials like the one I described yesterday. More pointed, in fact, is the glimpse I get into my friends’ lives through Facebook and the like. So many of my childless friends seem to be having a ball, every single day. I love living vicariously through them. But I know, for sure, that’s as far as I want to go. I’m happy here, for now, in my living room, watching my babies. There is nothing in a foreign country, or across the states, or in that bar down the street that could possibly mean anything to me at this particular point in my life. Even if I did get out and live fancy free for a night or two, it wouldn’t be fancy or free. It would be a night spent missing my children and worrying about them.
I’m a total stick in the mud.
To be honest, it’s a wonder I have any friends left. I simply cannot spend time with them. We’ve moved away, and when one of them comes into my remote area, they expect to see me. And usually it’s not possible. Whereas before, I would have dropped everything and found a way.
The babies are two and a half. Are they old enough to be left with someone else for a few days? Probably. But I’m not going to do it. Even if I were to leave them with my husband, I would miss them so much. And they don’t like it when I leave. Being a stay at home parent, I’ve accidentally conditioned them to be completely used to my presence at all times.
And my friends have waited patiently for me. They asked when the babies were one, they asked when the babies were 18 months, they’re asking again now at 2.5 years. And these friends have made sacrifices for me. They’ve driven the hours to see me, they’ve hung out with me and my family. They want to see me. And if they’re traveling five hours from my home, they want me to come the rest of the way. It really shouldn’t be too much to ask.
But these days, without my family, I’m no fun. My mind would still be with them. I know this won’t always be the case. I know my babies will continue to grow older, and I will get some semblence of my old life back. I really hope my friends stick with me and give me another chance when that time comes.
Because right now, even though I say I want the freedom I used to have, I don’t even want it for one night. Right now, I can’t think of anything better than reading Green Eggs and Ham on repeat to two curly sleepy heads.
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